So, recently I have had some things happen that have made me feel pretty much like I had/have no one. I feel basically alone and useless. Yes, I text some friends and talk to people, but when you are at that place in God where you just feel alone, like the presence was stripped from you and you are struggling to get back into it. Even though you know God is there and His presence is there, but YOU feel like no amount of prayer, fasting, or church is helping. There’s this huge hole in your heart, and you want it filled, but you do not know what else you need to do. I am there. Not I was there. I AM THERE. However, here’s what is getting me through, and maybe it will help you.
God is a God of love. We chase after everything that we want. We seek what we want. God is standing in the back saying, “That’s not what I have for you. Don’t run there.” Suddenly, you ARE there. You are so enthralled with what is going on and whatever it is you have. You are out of the will of God. You pursued something outside of His will, and to retain it you must stay out of His will. However, it FEELS right.
Paul on the road to Damascus was going where he was told/asked/wanted to go. He thought he was doing the will of God, because it felt right. He was a member of the Sanhedrin. He was an educated man. He knew the scriptures. Paul was a devout man and followed the law with his whole heart. He was basically a “church” goer. He was active in the “church,” and everyone knew him. Yet, he was not doing the will of God.
He had heard Jesus preached. He knew the resurrection, the washing of sins, the infilling of the Holy Ghost, the baptism in Jesus name. Do NOT tell me he didn’t. He heard these people preach to him nonstop while he was beating them and killing them (Look up Stephen). However, God stops Paul. Paul knows it’s God, but He asks, “Who are you?” So many of us Christians are still in the phase of asking who God is. We know He’s love, peace, joy, strength, life, but that’s just scratching the surface. That’s knowing the qualities of God. That is NOT knowing God.
Jesus reveals Himself to Paul. “I am Jesus whom you persecute.” Paul then takes a huge jump. He knows who it is now. So, he asks, “What would you have me do?”
You can know the qualities of God. You can know the Godhead, baptism, Holy Ghost infilling. You can know it all, but that is far from knowing God. That is scratching the surface. If we are newcomers, it’s fine to be asking, “Who is God? What is He about?” If you’ve been in this long enough, it’s time to go deeper.
You see, you cannot know the will of God without knowing God. I have a relationship with God. He’s spoken to me plain as day. He’s even been kinda sassy to me, because well… He’s God and when God is trying to get something through to you, He knows what it will take. However, I have stepped out of His will and chased my desires, followed my emotions, looked for my heart.
It is not within a man’s heart to direct his own steps.
We ask about who God is. God is love. God is the Creator. God is the Comforter. But, that is just a minute detail of who God is. God is the one who loved you when you were unlovable. God is the one who when you ripped open His side again with your actions and put the nails back into His hands with your words, HE WAS STILL THERE. He’s the one trying to lead you to a deeper, higher calling and anointing. WHY ARE YOU STILL RUNNING AFTER YOUR HEART?
He is the One who took the cross for you. He is the One who out of every star, animal, and human can call you by your name through the blur of the world. If God is a consuming fire as we believe why aren’t we letting Him consume us? Every desire! Every purpose! Every understanding! Let Him consume it with His fire. Then, we can know the will of God.
Yes, I feel like I’ve been going through hell the last two weeks. No, I don’t understand it. Yes, I hang onto people, because people have walked out of my life, and I’m scared of losing anyone. But this is what has carried me.
Paul got up from that intervention with Jesus blind.
How is that even remotely comforting?
It was a total reset for Paul. This man was a roman citizen, and he could go anywhere he pleased. He was educated, and he could talk you up one wall and down the other with his knowledge. He was known, and probably mentioning that you’re his friend got you places in Jerusalem. And here this man is… BLIND. They had to lead him to Damascus, because Jesus told him to go there and wait for further instruction.
Sometimes we need a total reset. Being blind was scary for him. Whatever situation we are in that we feel alone and do not know where to go is a scary situation. It’s a total reset. It reminds that God is there, and it is not in man’s (or woman’s) hearts to direct their own steps. God is able. Repeat that until it becomes routine. God is able. I’m not giving you a feel good forecast, because quite honestly, it may be painful. It may be painful for awhile.
Paul had scales fall from his eyes when Ananias prayed for him. To truly see where God was wanting him to go, he had to become blind. He was so caught up in HIS way and THEIR way that he disregarded GOD’S way. When he finally came through that time, look at what we revere him as now. He wrote almost half of the new testament. We base much of our doctrine and church order off of his teachings.
So, maybe feeling that loneliness is a cry from your spirit for the presence of God in a strong way. Maybe that feeling of confusion is a cry to find the way of God and not our way. His heart, not our heart.
God, can You help us find it?