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I Skipped Meals To Compete With My Husband’s Porn

*WARNING- Some of the content below might be offensive or triggering to some. Please read at your own discretion.*

I have debated with myself for a while whether or not I should try to reach out and share my story, and whether or not it would really even matter to anyone. Today a stronger me is deciding to come forward because it matters to me. So here it goes.

Growing up, I guess you could say I was a pretty naive girl. I was raised by my very old fashioned, conservative grandmother. The reason for this was my dad dealt with some serious mental and emotional disabilities and my mother worked full time. One thing I remember my grandmother saying to us constantly in reference to women who dressed skimpily was, “A gentleman turns his head.” Like I said, very old-fashioned. My parents were still in my life, but they were both sort of checked out. Still, I was a daddy’s girl through and through. My dad was my world. Every day consisted of me hoping that today would be the day he “got better.”

Hurt, Confusion And Anger

I had always thought of porn as something only perverted pigs of men did. I did not think it was a common or normal thing for guys to do. I’ll never forget the day I found it. I was 15 years old and I found porn on my dad’s laptop that he had forgotten to close out of. I felt a flood of emotions that even to this day I have a hard time explaining. It was a shock. Hurt. Confusion. Anger. I was floored to see that someone I looked up to so much was doing this. I felt betrayed. I felt that our family was being robbed of a part of him.

In an instant, my eyes were opened to the way it affected how he treated my mother, the way he talked to her. He would say, “No wonder everyone thinks you’re 9 months pregnant” or “It’s no wonder you can’t button your jeans, fatty.” Whenever this would happen all I could do was sit there, hot tears filling my eyes. So much anger; so much hate in my heart that I had never felt before. The man I looked up to was staring at these girls who couldn’t have been much older than me, his daughter. I was truly traumatized.

In that moment, I told myself I would never allow myself to end up like my mother. I would never let myself go. I would maintain a tiny body, I would dye my hair bleach blonde, I would be as close to flawless and I could get, so that I would never have to feel this way with my own husband.

A Secret Relationship

When I was 17, I started a secret relationship with my manager who was five years older than me. On one of our dates, the conversation took a very serious personal turn. We discussed our most painful experiences; he opened up to me about his dad’s death and how he felt somewhat responsible for the stress that caused the stroke. And what did I choose to share? Was it the abuse I had endured growing up with an alcoholic father? Was it the time my mother was going to leave us and start over? Was it watching my father being arrested in front of me? Nope.

Without even thinking of it, I chose to tell him of my experience with finding my dad’s porn. His response was interesting; he told me he had used to be a porn addict. I had never heard someone talk openly about being addicted to porn. He told me that Fight the New Drug had visited his high school when he was a student and it had inspired him to ditch porn now and forever. I knew right then, in that moment that I had found the man of my dreams. Someone who would never hurt me the way my dad did. Someone who only had eyes for me.

Fast forward a few months, I found myself pregnant, and we chose to get married. I had everything. But just two weeks after I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, I got on our computer while he was at work, to do some online shopping to buy him a watch. (He loved watches.) Well, I found porn in the history. My heart dropped. When I confronted him when he got home, he denied it. This was the beginning of the end for me. Over the next few weeks, the truth came out bit by bit. He had been watching porn the entire time we were in a relationship. I then found myself obsessed with knowing why. I had made sure my makeup was always done, I bought lingerie, I wore fake eyelashes, and my hair was always dyed. I wanted to know why. I was desperate to know why.

Read the rest of the article here: http://fightthenewdrug.org/true-story-my-husband-told-me-all-the-things-porn-had-that-i-didnt/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=organic_social&utm_campaign=ftnd_general